Doing things without expectations

Eastern monks are taught not to accept favours or gifts. The simple reason being that receiving something from most people, immediately imposes a burden of obligation. There are few human beings who do things because they’re simply ‘there to be done.’ Most of us do something with the perspective of, WFIM? Or, ‘What’s In It For Me?’

Albert Ellis, father of Rational Emotive Therapy (RET), said that most of our relationships run on a desire-fulfillment basis. If someone satisfies most of your needs and desires, you’ll stay with them in a relationship. The day you stop fulfilling sufficient of their needs and desires, they go off and find someone who does!

We most frequently do things for the following reasons:  1) There’s a clear economic or status reason for us to do so. 2) It will gain us the approval of the other party. 3) It will garner greater approval from those who are aware of what we’ve done. 4) It gives us a ‘hold’ or leverage over the other person - payback time will come some day. 5) It will develop for us, a reputation as a ‘philanthropist’ – even if it is company money we’re liberally dishing out. 6) We do it because it’s there to be done.

It’s only the last motive that can be classed as ‘pure.’ All the others are ‘shop-keeping’ in some form or another. I know of one executive who used to throw vast sums of corporate money at community or cultural projects. He used the process to build his own media profile and visibility, in the process, making Machiavelli look like his kid brother. Because he wielded economic clout, he was abusive of the recipients of ‘his’ largesse. He even leaned on suppliers for personal loans to improve his home – something for which the corporation would have dismissed him on the spot, had they found out.

I was in his office one day, when someone came in asking for help. Playing the grand humanitarian with the organization’s money, he (with an air of disdain) granted the request. As the individual left his office, he picked up a piece of paper, slammed it down on the other side of his desk, and said, “Well, there’s another trading stamp!” That was his modus operandi.

He could build or break small enterprises by granting or withholding funding. He used his purse-string power, as a malevolent force for personal gain. He used to fax nomination forms for awards or recognition by various professional bodies, to his ‘friends’ (for which read those who were seriously obligated) to put his name forward. He became so grossly insensitive, that at one point, he proposed an organization initiate a particular award (I’ll leave the name unmentioned) and there are no prizes for guessing who the first recipient was. This sort of behaviour is nothing short of a public declaration of his emotional and self-esteem retardation.

Why am I telling you this? Because we have to be very ethical and circumspect when we’re in a position to alter the course of other people’s lives or careers because of our influence or ‘power.’ Lord Acton said, “Power corrupts, and absolute power, corrupts absolutely.” He went on to say, “And almost all ‘great’ men have been corrupt.”

It takes high emotional intelligence and spiritual awareness to function in a consistently even-handed and unselfish manner. Truly ‘big’ people have big hearts. They are self-effacing, respectful and appreciative of the contribution of those around them.

It’s significant that in Jim Collins’ book, Good to great, published by Random House Business Books, the leaders of truly great, sustained-performance companies, are these egalitarian, thoroughly decent, if tough, human beings.

If you do everything with the expectation of some ROI, you’re going to be disappointed. The very idea of doing certain things because you expect a return of some sort at some time, is in itself inappropriate. Try doing something ‘invisibly’ – where nobody but you and God knows you’ve done it. That’s the acid test of genuine giving. You won’t get reward or recognition from your peers, or the recipient. But the intergalactic recording angel will have made a note in the credit column of her record book.

A final thought, the source of which, escapes my memory: True power lies in knowing you have the ability to injure, but choosing not to.
 

Does visualization help in goal-setting?

I’m often asked, “Does visualization work?” Emphatically yes! But it’s one small component of the whole goal-setting mix. I know of people who used to droop over folders filled with pictures of their desired cars, houses and the like at 6 a.m. in a city office block. The course facilitator, who made a lot of money out of their naiveté, used to drive a top-end Mercedes Benz and live in a luxury mansion. He persuaded these poor souls that if they visualized hard enough, they too, would be rich. On the few mornings that I checked the parking lot, none of the battered old cars belonging to the course delegates had ‘morphed’ into Porches or Ferraris.

I ran into this charlatan at an airport a few years later. He tried to sell me on his latest ‘unique’ methodology. I looked him straight in the eye and said, “Several years ago, you also had something ‘unique’ that was going to turn the world on its head. It clearly didn’t do so. Maybe you should consider embracing some integrity in your life.” He was so stunned he forgot to punch me!

Let’s take an extreme example: You might visualize becoming Prime Minister or President of a country. Logic says you’re going to have to get into politics at some or other ‘starter’ level. Unless your father, mother or some relative run a dictatorship – in which case, nepotism might prevail and your fantasy will bear fruit. Generally though, in a Westminster-type system, you’d work your way through a local Council, sit for a time as an ordinary MP, get into Cabinet, become deputy PM, party leader, and then maybe become Prime Minister. With most goals, there will be a whole series of steps that you’ll need to undertake to achieve the end result. Visualization plays a role in keeping you focussed. It also ensures that the desire or goal remains at the head of the long queue of other desires, in your subconscious. It will keep your radio antennae, radar scanners and senses tuned to looking for opportunities that may be stepping-stones to the accomplishment of your goal.

The potential power of correct ‘visualization’ lies in a simple fact. Your subconscious mind can’t tell the difference between fact and fiction, provided it’s presented with a scenario containing a three-dimensional ‘VAK’ pattern. This comprises a visual or picture, auditory or sound and kinaesthetic or feeling. It’s one of the reasons I feel pretty intensely about children playing virtual reality (VR) ‘games.’ When they’re wearing a mask and firing a digital ‘gun’ to ‘kill’ the Sheriff, the scenario is being presented and experienced, because of the VAK realism, as pretty close to the real deed. I wonder if in years to come, forensic psychologists will be making connections between certain crimes and VR programs? One’s mind thinks of the murder, by pre-teens, of little Jamie Bulger in the U.K., in a re-enactment of a railway line killing that they’d watched on video.

Here’s a simple example of a VAK in action: Try it on someone. Get them to close their eyes. Reassure them that you’re not trying to hypnotise them, because you can’t! Here’s the script:  Imagine yourself at a working counter in your kitchen at home. Even if it’s unusual for you to be there, today you are. In front of you is a chopping board. On the board is a plump, fresh, wonderfully juicy lemon. Touch the lemon. You can feel the cool, dimpled surface. You get a little whiff of citrus. Hold the lemon on the board with your left hand. Pick up a knife which is lying there. You’re going to use the knife safely. Hold the lemon carefully and cut through the middle. One half rolls away and juice dribbles on to the board. There’s a sharp tangy lemon fragrance. You can see the glistening pulp with a few pips sticking out. Now hold the one half of the lemon and cut a thin slice, as if you’re preparing it for a drink. As you cut the slice, it folds over and falls into the juice puddle on the board. There’s an even stronger lemon smell now. Pick up the thin slice of lemon. It’s dripping juice, and feels cool as it folds over your fingers. Raise it to your mouth, stick out your tongue, and put the lemon on your tongue. Pull in your tongue, close your mouth and suck!  90% of the people in the room will produce saliva. Why? They know they’re sitting in a seminar room and that there’s no lemon anywhere nearby. But the subconscious, having been given a three-dimensional ‘visualization’ comprising images, sound suggestions and sensation or ‘smell cues’, reacts by telling the mouth to produce saliva.