Confidence - contrived or congruent?

The debate about whether leaders are born or made, rages on in much the same fashion as the old nature-nurture debate around behaviour. It’s not likely to go away any time soon. One of the key characteristics perceived in leaders though - born or made - is confidence. The caution is that there’s always a fine line between confidence and arrogance.

I once had a delightful on-air radio argument with professor emeritus of psychology at UCLA, Albert Mehrabian. He insisted that emotions came first in our repertoire of behaviour. I argued from the perspective of one who meditates. In which my experience demonstrates that thoughts have to come first. Example: I insult you. In the nano second before you respond, there must be a high-speed, subconscious dialogue along the lines of, “How dare he? Does he know who he’s speaking to? What a nerve!” or the like. Then will come the emotional response, followed by behaviour. The sequence is thoughts, feelings and then behaviour.

Emotions don’t simply surface, unbidden. Unless you’re an animal, that is. Philosophers say that intellect is the big differentiator between humans and animals. My Rottweiler hasn’t got freedom of choice as to whether he chases the neighbour’s Maltese poodle or not. His instinct compels him to do so. He lacks the discriminating function that cautions against disrupted neighbourly relationships, veterinary hospital emergency room bills, public liability insurance claims and the like. It’s the ability of the mentally evolved human being to consider the immediate implications of an action. It’s the ability of a significantly evolved intellect to engage in anticipatory thinking – foreseeing the results or outcomes of an action, way into the future. The lower the level of intellectual sophistication and development, the lower will be this ability. Some people will simply not have it.

What’s the point and what’s the connection between thinking and confidence? Genuine confidence will be the distillation of internal dialogue over a long time. It will be a natural expression of the thoughts preceding it. It will translate into an external, observable behaviour that may be different in each person. Sometimes confidence manifests as loud, rah-rah and attention seeking. Sometimes it’s quiet, closed, introspective and private. Whichever, genuine confidence is sustainable and not situational. You may be a financial expert and feel comfortable and confident when presenting on finance. But genuine confidence will allow you to present on even an unfamiliar topic, with the self-assurance that even if it’s less than perfect, or you have a bit of a wobbly, you’re still OK.

Father of person-centred psychotherapy, Dr Carl Rogers, coined a word for one of the vital concepts in human behaviour. Congruence. Meaning, at its simplest, that what we feel inside will translate unadulterated, if appropriate, to our external behaviour. It will become the computer equivalent of WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get).

Confidence that is acted, isn’t sustainable. If it’s built on a flawed self-concept or one dependent on the opinions of other people, it will, like a yo-yo, fluctuate. Neatly summed up by former first lady of the US, Eleanor Roosevelt, who said, “Nobody can make you feel inferior, without your consent.”

The leader will not be a genuine leader if the confidence is not authentic. There may be a display of arrogance that will look like confidence. But it’ll be a mask or façade. A front like the saloon in a cowboy movie. Propped up from behind, but false nonetheless.  It’s under these circumstances that people will experience a high level of conflict. Sometimes suffering from what is commonly referred to as “The Imposter Phenomenon.” Captured in the title of a book on the topic: If I’m so successful, how come I keep on feeling like a fake?

Authenticity and integrity are hallmarks of truly great people. Although Lord Acton’s dictum of “Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely” is well known, less well known is what he said following that, which is: “And almost all great men have been corrupt.” So it comes back to personal values. I always say that “all idols have feet of clay.” Is your confidence contrived, or congruent? Others will someday know. 

 Develop your Emotional Intelligence (EI)

Emotional intelligence might well have a genetic component, but there’s absolutely no doubt that you can grow or develop your emotional intelligence significantly. It’s an issue of choice – not of aptitude.

First up, what is “Emotional Intelligence” (EI) or Emotional Quotient - EQ? There are some quite romantic definitions of it. Terms like “heart-speak vs. head speak” and the like, have been bandied about. EI is often written about from an academic perspective, or in a way that makes it sound like a real schlep to acquire or develop. This is not true. It’s actually quite easy to develop and the benefits are substantial.

Whilst Intelligence Quotient (IQ) tests are now a largely discredited culture-specific measure of development potential, someone with good emotional intelligence is almost certain to be successful – even if only in the social arena. Inherently good EI will be a feature of good counsellors, mediators, negotiators, communicators, educators, leaders, mentors and coaches – to list just a handful. It’s believed by experts that IQ will play only a 10% (if that) role in anyone’s success. The rest is attributable to EI.

“Inter” means “between”. So interpersonal communication means communication between people. “Intra” means “inside of”.  So intrapersonal communication means you communicating with yourself. Talking to yourself, understanding yourself, nurturing yourself, being “in touch and in tune” with who and what you are. In a nutshell, self-understanding and self-communication. Being able to manage your mind and your state of being. This is the heart of emotional intelligence: intra-personal communication.

If you complete a USA-designed emotional intelligence assessment on the Internet or elsewhere in the world, you might well emerge with a skewed or inaccurate profile. Sophistication, behavioural and other culture-specific norms all have an impact on whether your behaviour is seen as emotionally intelligent. What is perceived as emotionally intelligent behaviour in one cluster, culture or country, might well be considered unassertive or inappropriate in another. So be cautious of taking the “answer the following 10 questions” route. You don’t need an assessment to determine your EI. You and others will be able easily to observe it in your daily interactions and relationships.

Having said that, remember that stress and trauma will reduce anyone’s ability at a particular time, to behave in a resourceful and mature way. When we’re running on “emotional empty”, it’s not easy to make like Kofi Annan, UN secretary general and one of my personal heroes. If your emotional cookie jar is empty, you’re unable to function well in the cookie distribution business. At times like those, you need to be receiving emotional support – not trying to give it away. But that’s another topic for the future.

One of the simplest measures of likely emotional intelligence can be seen in your ability, or inability, to delay gratification. That means putting off pleasure. Examples: If you see something in a shop and you simply have to have it, regardless of an over spend on your credit card, or the fact that you don’t really need it, it might indicate low EI. If you’re battling to shed a few unwanted kilos but make two trips to the dessert trolley at a business luncheon, ditto the possibility. If your moods fluctuate a good deal and others are easily able to “wind you up” or “get you going”, you could also be exhibiting emotionally unintelligent behaviour.

Not caving in to every demand from your children will help them to build a solid foundation of EI. Encouraging them to share, to be generous, to have empathy, compassion, and treat others with kindness is all going to equip a solid arsenal of emotionally intelligent behaviour. Don’t give them things on a platter. Make ‘em work for it. Reward – when it’s immediate and without personal effort or “sweat equity” - is the enemy of EI and its development. “Spoiling” a child, means just that. They’ll grow up as horrible, egocentric individuals suffering from a severe dose of what I call the IMM syndrome – I, Me & Mine. That will be their focus and indeed their particular locus for “non-control” and poor self-management.

The single most common manifestation of low EI is a high level of anger. You’ll be quick to fly off the handle when things don’t go your way. You’ll be an apt exponent of road rage. You’ll spend valuable time repairing damaged egos and fractured friendships. You may also experience high levels of guilt.

Emotional Intelligence (EI) engages the highest function of your mind – your intellect. We’ve lost sight of what distinguishes us from animals. Although the gurus at Harvard University agree that animals experience the same gamut of emotions as humans, we differ in one key respect. Animals don’t have intellect. Simply defined, intellect’s your capacity for discriminating thought - particularly between appropriate and inappropriate. Your intellect can observe your thinking and your reactions to what you’re reading here, without interrupting either. You can “watch” yourself responding.

If my Rottweiler perceives the neighbour’s Maltese poodle as Mc Donald’s on four legs, there’s no factoring in of the public liability insurance claim, the disrupted neighbourly relationships, the veterinary emergency room, the costs and the emotional turmoil. The Rottie simply goes for it. You or I might be sorely tempted to punch some obnoxious sod on the nose, or tell the company chairman how we really feel, but intellect kicks in and we resist the temptation. Each time you manage impulse – whether related to food, emotions, relationships, sexuality, irritation or any other situation – you’re stretching your emotional and behavioural repertoire and capacity. Each time you stretch it, it becomes easier to do the next time.

We’ve forgotten that our emotions only surface as a result of internal discussion. Example: I insult you. You think, “Just who does this guy think he is anyhow?” or “How dare he!” Not only can we become re-aware of our thinking process but also benefit from it, as a means to self-management. So the 1^st step is to observe your thinking when there’s a risk that it might lead to a hostile or damaging response. Observe it from two perspectives: The one is rational - what are you thinking? The other is emotional – what are you feeling? The moment you become the observer of the rational and emotional components in your response, you’re able to move to the 2^nd step, which is to make a choice. An animal is unable to do this, but we can. You can listen to the person, be aware of the thoughts and the feelings that surface in response to what they’re saying, but most importantly, decide how you wish to respond. It’s not about control. It’s about making self-management choices. The 3^rd and final step is your actual response. Not an unthinking, instinct-driven, pre-programmed and off the shelf response, but one that is considered and custom-selected. It’s clearly unnecessary to use this approach with every situation you encounter. Use it for circumstances where you become short-tempered or know that people might press your buttons or wind you up.

Out of time and pressure-driven habit, we’ve allowed a kind of emotional shorthand to develop in our responses to people. They’re automatic. You may think, “That’s just the way I am.” Correct – except, only for now. If you allow patterns to repeat themselves, they became a habit. In the same way, without having to smash or destroy old, unproductive habits or patterns, you can choose new behaviours and responses. Which, over time, will unobtrusively sublimate or override the old - with beneficial results.

Each time you observe, choose and consciously implement a response or behaviour, you grow the flexibility, adaptability and “accommodate-ability” of your inter-personal, but most importantly, your intra-personal (EI) communications ability.  Over time, emotionally intelligent responses can and will become your norm. As they do, the level of conflict and disruption in your relationships will reduce. People will perceive you as a diplomatic and adroit communicator. Your mind will become calmer. Don’t be afraid that it will have a negative impact on your assertiveness, leadership style or your ability to command authority. EI transcends and is supported by, these other more mundane facets of behaviour and interaction. It is superseded only by spiritual “intelligence” or awareness.

If there’s a bottom line to EI, this is it: When you observe and manage how you process information received via your senses (sight, hearing, touch, taste, & smell), you’re managing your emotions. When you manage emotions, you manage your mind. When you manage your mind, you’re being emotionally intelligent. If you’re being emotionally intelligent, you’re equipped to develop spiritual intelligence or awareness. It takes self-honesty – a defining characteristic of emotionally intelligent behaviour – to know whether you’re being true to yourself or not. Only you will really know